The baby Jesus better find a new birthday, because this Xmas season belongs to Xtina!

In honor of the release of her latest studio album, “Lotus,” here’s a track by track breakdown of the key moments and themes for “true lovers of music” and casual fans alike.  It’s a dense text with many insights on handling haters and persevering, and  must be dissected and analyzed as one would any religious scripture.

Lotus Intro

Ethereal vocals and electronic bleeps introduce the new album as Xtina chants “rise up, lotus, rise…”  The chants carry the weight of a passage from the Bible, only more important, because it’s Christina. (side note: I’ve found a new mantra to chant during my new agey evening meditations.) She continues “this is the beginning” – BEGINNING OF WHAT, PROPHETESS XTINA!?  Bestow upon us the know you gained through diva struggles such as divorce and floppage!  “Bionic” be damned! She’s back!

Army Of Me

“Army Of Me” finds a woman who loves to pick a fight and reference her past work.  Xtina is on the offensive, and threatening to multiply and attack if you deny her any of her deserved reverence. She’ll pummel your eardrums into submission, haters! And again, she chants “rise up” – let’s hope that chant is geared toward the charts (homegirl needs a hit)!

Red Hot Kind Of Love

This song implies fun and carefree sexscapades, but brings none of the bounce that it tries to muster.  Generic production sinks it like a brick. A momentary blip in the album’s momentum. Snooze – next!

Make The World Move

Xtina comes in peace – ignore those promotional interviews where she was throwing jabs at fellow former teeny boppers and the general public who ignored “Bionic!” “Turn up the love, turn down the hate” (unless it’s directed at the competition), y’all! She even brought in CeeLo to prove that she works well with others.

Your Body

Needs no introduction – I think you already know this song’s name.  Dicks and Max Martin beats aren’t safe – Xtina is here for both!  Flawless, aggressive slut pop.

Let There Be Love

Steamrollertina is back in full force.  Another Max Martin production, the framework and production of this song is about as generic as any dance pop on the radio currently.  The difference is that this singer can SANG!  Xtina grabs the chorus by its balls and drives the song with the sense of urgency and power that few left could command (or even suggest).  This song is an example of all of Christina’s components coming together in her favor: the song is slutty and loud, and so is she.

Sing For Me

The fog horn of pop doesn’t give a fuck if you think she oversings, and this song is all about that.  She has talent, she knows it, and she’ll use her voice to beat you into submission.  It’s an alternately beautiful and painful listen.  The final key change could decimate a small village with with its force. Beware and listen with the volume on low.

Blank Page

Ballad lovers: note this tack.  In a rare moment of sort of vocal subtlety, Christina expresses vulnerability, pain, and loss effectively.  It’s all a bit “Someone Like You”-lite, but it’ll do.

Cease Fire

Again – Xtina comes in peace, haters!  Don’t throw jabs!  Support her and buy “Lotus” (and maybe an unsold copy of “Bionic” as well)! Marching beats suggest she has an army with her, so buy the album or suffer the consequences – PEACEFULLY.

Around The World

XXXtina’s slut game is heading to every nation! She’s “making love worldwide” to the sound of dance beats and cheers. In another effort to pacify haters, her pussy of peace is offering itself as an ambassador of “international love.” The CDC will have its hands full at the end of the “Lotus” tour, no doubt!

Circles

Subtle.  All pretenses of peace aside, Xtina offeres her haters the option to fuck themselves on her middle finger while spinning.  Such a lady! I don’t think Miss Manners would approve, but I certainly do.  Hi, haters! (note: her haters seem to make up the majority of the world, so her middle finger is going to be exhausted and possibly mangled if everyone takes her up on the invitation!)

Best Of Me

HATERS, HATERS, HATERS!  We’re back to peace making as Xtina pleads her case as a victim. ALRIGHT, YOU SUFFER TOO! WE GET IT, XTINA!

Just A Fool

No genres are safe!  Enter, Xtina: the homegrown country songbird.  She sings of indulging in self-pity and libations; we’ve seen the paparazzi pics; we already know this, Christina.  No one does the drunken stumble of self-pity like Xtina.  Blake Shelton joins in for contractual reasons… and Christina proceeds to steamroll him.  Poor Blake.

 

With “Lotus,” Xtina is back with lots of self-important revelations to share with you as only she could, and her voice will not be stifled.  The difference this time is that “Lotus” is actually a pretty enjoyable album.  So get those middle fingers ready and hit that download button on iTunes!